The 7.5 fingered Benjamin

In this post I shall attempt to explain how one day a perfectly normal Mr Martin Benjamin, who had 8.0 full fingers with nails on the end and small annoying hairs and wrinkles and... anyway, he had a full 2 hands of fingers, and thumbs.

Picture the scene. Martin Benjamin, and Joan Hogarth are sitting in the maths office, surrounded by a cloud of smoke (provided by Peter Dilworths attempt to smoke a whole pack of cigarets in one go), and they are debating who is the best maths teacher. Dilworth (who wanted to keep his job and had heard of Hogarths reputation), conceeded that he was indeed the worst maths teacher there was and that he didn't even know why he had become a maths teacher in the first place, but he did have some niggling memory about a turnip with an afro, calling himself Mario who had said something about a good salary and lots of young girls, if he would just follow him to this place called, St Marys. Dilworth had agreed, and was now slowly rotting away as a reclusive maths teacher. If only he could break free....

Anyway, back to that fateful day. Benjamin had only just acquired his job as maths and 'IT' teacher, and as of yet had not heard of Hogarths terrifying reputation, (she had been a member of the SS, Gestapo and along with Herr Piatkowska, had kept Hitler 'ammused' on many occasions). It was because of this lack of vital knowledge that Benjamin got into an argument with Hogarth about who was the best maths teacher. The argument got so heated that Hogarth challenged Benjamin to a duel to decide it.

The duel was an arm wrestle.

With Dilworth, (who by now had managed to singe his moustasche and set the fire alarm off), acting as a referee, the arm wrestle began. Benjamin regretted having agreed to the wrestle, when he saw the size of Hogarths biceps, but said a quick prayer to Ghandi and begun. Hogarth was supprised at the strength of Benjamin and had to exert some extra effort in an attempt to keep Benjamin from winning. It was at this point that the most holy Ghandi, woke up, from his long 8 year sleep, and went over to his laptop to check any prayer-mails that may have appeared. He noticed one unusual one from a little squirt named Benjamin, asking for strength. As this task didn't take too long he decided to grant it straight away. It was at this point that Hogarth had almost defeated benjamin,and was grinning insanely. Sweat was pouring from benjamins brow and dripping onto the table, which by now was very wet. The power surged up benjamins arm and took Hogarth by supprise. Benjamin forced her back to about 10 o'clock and was still getting stronger. In a burst of panic, Hogarth remembered her first lesson in the Gestapo. It was this:

'When in need of strength, eat'

If there was one thing Hogarth was certain of, it was that she needed strength desperatly. Benjamin was still getting stronger... she looked around for somehing to eat... Dilworths ear?.... maybe not...., that half eaten digestive which is being feasted on by a cockcroach,.... errr... no.... She looked down... Benjamins index finger beamed back up at her.... it seemed to be saying 'eat me'... Hogarth swooped down, her jaws locked aound benjamins finger, and she bit.

The next part of the story, explains why Dilworth, and hogarth have always been slightly deaf... benjamin screamed very loudly.

Legend has it that Hogarth never actually ate the finger, but instead hid it under the mobiles, where the sixth form block is now. Although the finger was never actually found, it was roumoured that a small insignificant child called Lein Mabrah found the finger when hiding under the mobiles from his imaginary friend, Bob.

To this day, benjamin is afraid of Hogarth and now admits that she is indeed the best maths teacher, although he has earnt the respect of many beings and shall soon be honoured in a gala parade, at the command of madman. As for Dilworth,(minus his moustasche), he just went away.

by cod_squad, posted on Friday, 13. February 2004 @ 1142.06 gmt